There is a person I work with in my team that is really negative and constantly complaining. I find this very draining and it’s affecting me. How do I break the cycle?
You have already begun to break the cycle by recognising that this situation is affecting you and by taking the action of writing in to ask for help, so well done, awareness is the first step. I have made the assumption that this situation has made going to work less enjoyable and action is required to change that.
Below are some thoughts and questions for you to consider that you may find helpful to continue moving forward.
As people we are all different; some people exude confidence, happiness and positivity while others exude negativity, see problems first and grumble about everything from the commute to the office to the bad cup of coffee they have just ordered. And there are those who are somewhere in between.
Add to this, people who are usually very positive can become negative and their reasons for this can be legitimate. As human beings we don’t bring half of ourselves to work, we bring all of us, the good, the bad and sometimes, the ugly.
I am going to begin by asking you some questions and then offering some tips on how to move forward.
* How is this affecting you?
* What’s the impact that it is having?
Establish the currently reality of the situation.
What specifically is happening?
Is the person taking up too much of your time?
Is it affecting your mood/morale or the mood/morale of others in the team?
Is the person complaining about situations that have nothing to do with you?
Is the person complaining about something legitimate that needs to be addressed?
Is it something else?
What outcome do you want?
Go directly to the source.
Have you spoken to the person directly about the situation and the affect it is having on you? Explain the impact that the negativity is having on you. Make it about the impact rather than directly about them, as they may feel defensive if you make it about them directly. Avoid any “you” language (e.g. You always do this… You make me feel… etc.)
Starting the sentence with “you”, will usually have the person feel defensive which will not be productive. When you begin a sentence with “you” it creates a parent to child dynamic which is not productive for an adult-to-adult conversation. See https://www.businessballs.com/transact.htm for more information about Parent, Adult Child by Dr Eric Berne.
Be clear about the outcome you want from this conversation and communicate this.
Have you listened to their complaints?
Often people will repeat their complaints if they feel that they have not been heard. The need to be heard is a human need. If the complaints are relevant to you/your department then you can move to resolving the issues.
If you have listened and the complaints are constant and are not relevant to you or your area of work, decide if you are happy to offer advice. Point them in the direction of someone who can help them (their manager or your HR department).
It’s important to set some boundaries. Sometimes people just want a friendly available ear to talk to, if you are happy to provide this ensure that you set limits. While you can be empathetic and use a coach approach in your conversations, your role isn’t to provide counselling or coaching to your co-worker.
It may be time to gracefully back away.
The habitual complaining by negative people can and will drain your energy. It’s important to look after your physical and emotional wellbeing. Avoid spending time with this person. If that’s difficult and you are caught, tell them that you would like to shift the conversation to a more positive topic or that you have work to do that needs your attention.
Have you spoken to your manager?
Tell your manager how this situation is affecting you and the ability to perform your role. They may have advice on how to deal with this situation. If your manager also manages your co-worker ask him/her if he/she is willing to help by addressing the situation directly with your co-worker, or if your co-worker reports to another manager, addressing this directly with their manager.
Talk to someone in your HR department.
Negativity from co-workers that affect others could be a behavioural issue that will need to be addressed.
If you have done all you can and the situation hasn’t changed then it may be time to consider whether you are willing to stay in the current environment.
* What are your options?
* Is it time to move on?
Ultimately having a fun, positive environment to work in is a realistic expectation. Look after your needs and make decisions that will be good for you and your wellbeing.
Good luck
Pollyanna Lenkic is the founder of Perspectives Coaching, an Australian based coaching and training company. She is an experienced facilitator, certified coach and a certified practitioner of NLP. In 1990 she co-founded a specialist IT recruitment consultancy in London, which grew to employ 18 people and turnover £11 million ($27 million). This blog is about the mistakes she made and the lessons she learned building a business the first time round and how to do it better second time round. For more information go to www.perspectivescoaching.com.au
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