I can’t win because I am a loser

Dear Aunty B,

I have been employed by the same company for many years. I have had offers for a promotion but nothing seemed to eventuate. My wife of 15 years refuses to work outside of the home thus creating a massive burden and I have had to take on a second job as a result.

How can I develop more skills or become a more marketable person in an established career that I might enjoy without causing hardship on our family? I have tried many routes but I have come to an understanding that I am not very well educated in one particular field and will always be considered “never good enough” to ever do better.

Sincerely,
Brian

Dear Brian,

You are a good man. You have obviously worked very hard for your family, putting your ambitions to one side to keep the money rolling in. But marriage and family is all about give and take. And now guess what? It is your turn!

But you know that. You are just feeling stuck. So this is the first step. Acknowledge to yourself that you firmly believe you have made sacrifices, got the family to a certain point and it is now the right time for you to do some study to put you in a better position for the next stage of your life.

You are going to need that emotional determination because it is likely your family are spoilt, won’t want to change, are used to not considering your feelings, will call you selfish and try all sorts of tricks to keep things the same.

The second step is to have a plan. Make a career map. Work out what you need to study to get yourself educated. Work out where/how you can do the study.

Can you do some online? How much will it cost? How long will it take? Check that it leads to the sort of career that you will find enjoyable. You can do that by applying for jobs. Ask them in the interview about the skills they are looking for. Start networking. Have one coffee a week with a useful person. Ask them about how the industry is changing and the skills required for “new jobs”. Changing jobs is a job in itself. It can take a year. You must stay determined, focused and network!

Next you need to tell your wife: either get a job or we downsize. It is ridiculous your wife won’t work outside the home unless she has some physical or mental disability that prevents her from doing so. You may need to assist your wife to alter her thinking. Research shows that women who work part-time outside the home are actually the happiest of the lot of us!

And don’t fall for the “kids need me” excuse. Personally I find some of the most useless teenagers are the ones with mums who only work in the home. These well-meaning women just do too much for their kids.

Telling your wife to get a job will be hard and you will need back up. I suggest you see a psychologist to give you the emotional support through the “change”. You might need to go to relationship counseling.

But don’t back down. A friend of mine who runs her own business told her house husband to get a job at the end of the recession. It has done a lot to his confidence, enhanced their relationship and got them through a sticky financial period. Mind you she had to put her house on the market to convince him she was serious!

Good luck!
Your Aunty B

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