I am sick of men doing the limp wristed handshake

Dear Aunty B,
I am a business woman with 30 years experience. And I would like to know why men think I am from Mars. How do I know? When I put my hand out to shake a man’s hand, there is often a second of panic in their eyes. Then they put their hand out and do one of four things:

Most commonly, they gingerly take hold of my fingers in their fingers and jiggle them like a tea bag.

Less common, but equally annoying, they hold my hand for a second like we are lovers and about to take a walk in a park before dropping it.

Then there is the wet fish, whereby they take your hand in theirs with a look of distaste on their face and then after a desultory shake abruptly drop it. (I call this the urinal shake for obvious reasons.)

Or worst of all, they get in a lather and overcompensate for my sex by pumping my hand in an enthusiastic vice grip as if to say: “I don’t have any issues with touching a woman who is not my wife, not at all, not at all and I am going to prove it by shaking her hand like a man and keep on shaking it and keep on shaking it…”

Aunty B, when are you going to tell the men of the world that it is a good thing to shake a woman’s hand and how to do it?

LG,
Sydney

Dear LG,

Your assumptions about my duties are preposterous. Nevertheless, how could I help but wade in to this perennial? First may I add one more to the tea bag, the wet fish and the pump. May I add the “over the shoulder”.

This is the handshake that goes on and on because the man is in a mild state of panic that he has been caught with a woman in a business situation in the first place. He is so desperate as he pumps away, that he scans the room, looking for more important people through which he can make his escape. As we all know that men can only do one thing at a time, so while he scans, he simply forgets to drop your hand. Once he finds his escape route, he has to wave and move on thereby freeing your hand and leaving you standing alone in a room of suits – yet again.

Well LG, here is my suggestion: we round them all up and subject them to female boot – or should I say hand – camp, where we could add a lot of other things to the itinerary.

Or we could all make some sort of pledge. How about this? All women – from mothers of sons to spouses to business parters – grab three men.

Talk them through the issue nicely, ie. you guys are crap at shaking women’s hands so here is how to do it. And then get them to practice. If we all take action now, we could have this annoying problem solved by Christmas!

As to how to do it: take a firm grip and pump four times in time to good-to-meet-you. How hard is that!

Good luck and happy shaking,
Aunty B

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